Last Night

Last night, I calmed my mind again with my process, one of meditation and giving power to decisive control, and repeated it again this morning. I reconnected with how powerful I am, how clearly I see things, and how much I know that the answer is not what I want, but what I need.

Last night, cheeks still slightly chilled from a final walk of the dog, I gave myself five minutes, exactly, to rail against the conflicts, the recent and fresh slights I felt, and to also remember each second of a kiss and embrace that gave me hope.

That’s all it got.  I knew the more I put into my churn, the more I would have to extract. Details, rehashing, and the sense of the evening were fresh and ready, not for cross-examination (I’ve done that a hundred times), but dismissal.

No power to you … regret.  No power to you…pride.  no power to you…indignation, fear, loss, and the rest of the negatives.  But also, no power to history, love, hope, warmth, plans, expectations, goals, dreams, and family.

Just the flame.  Just breath.

Exhaustion is a term I generally use for being spent, but ususally more closely resembles being loaded-up. Last night, I was exhausted in the true sense: emptied, or better yet, cleared.

Before I let sleep take over, I gave power back to control, self, purpose, and value. Just words at that point.  The room in my head was attended by such a deep and tenuous peace that I could not afford cracking the door to much more.

___

Walking the dog this morning, trodding the same route, seeing the same trees and hydrants, brought back the previous evening.  Dressed for work, sharp and ready to fight, I was amping up.

But, I decided that a few minutes wouldn’t hurt. It was exactly what I needed to do. I had a chance to gather up, refuel, and perpare.  So, I repeated the process. I kicked off the shoes, my symbolic anchor to action, and sat directly in the center of my bed.

No power.

The flame.

This time, it ended differently, more intentionally.  I knew today, in fact, this whole week, would require a lot of focus and I needed to captain some huge ships through very narrow straits.

“You KNOW what to do.  You know, almost by smell or intuition, how to do it.  You run this world around you, and you do it well. You have permission to choose, to act, to love, and even to fail.”

Specifically, I gave myself the power to look forward without fear, without baggage.  I could see the list, and I knew the actions I would take. I would do them with integrity and confidence

I slowed down, had a meal of eggs for breakfast.  I did not rush, but walked out of my safety with a purpose that comes from clarity and resolve.

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This entry was posted in Choices, connections, moving on, promises, relationships, spirit, work and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

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