Seeing things differently today, the ability to focus on the work, and the legitimate, geninue kindness of the people around me in my life, has uplifted me in this moment beyond the struggles I have wrapped around me lately.
I meditated last night, a new habit I am forming, which I know in my own version of the world, is neither correct nor incorrect. This is my version, which has several steps: De-power, clear, and empower.
Thoroughly wound and bound by ideas, thoughts, and emotions, I first think about exactly what I am feeling right then. Frustrated, angry, hopeful, or hopeless. Usually, but not always, I am consumed by a negative vibration. Last night, it was the melancholy due to a decision I need to make in order to live true to me, beat a depression, resolve a conflict. I felt:
I then said, to myself, “Which emotions are you giving power to?” The truth was, all of the negative feelings were getting all my energy. I then said, out loud (and this is important to me) “You do not get any more power …regret. You are done.”
The next step is more of the true meditation. I get into a comfortable position, close my eyes, and I simply visualize a flame in an otherwise dark room. I focus on the flame: the slow dancing, the darkened penumbra. Only the flame I am completely still, and breathe very fully and slowly. Many times, I know I am done when I can only picture the flame; all else has been dismissed.
This is clearing out the wasteful thoughts, and it is very intentional. It is also clearing out all thoughts, plans and actions included. Action, to me, is usually more acurately reaction; an attempt to correct, explain, or validate something, which invites all the problems I am trying to solve back into my mind.
If I’m not asleep by this time, the most important part happens. However, I am typically relaxed and ready for bodily rest, so I do sleep. Rested, I often tackle the last step in the morning, which is difficult because I am often back to needing step 1 again.
This step is empowering the positive parts of my spirit: I say, again aloud, “You KNOW what to do.” I am powerful, skilled, and enormously creative. I already know my answers, and my roadblocks have no power left. I am the most confident during these few minutes than at any other time during my day. This is what I will do, I can do, I must do.
The meditation and mindfulness helps, but I still get stuck in inaction. Why? My world changes, either very positively or very stressfully. I get lazy. I forget.
This method works most effectively where my fear is less personal and my skill is highest: work. I have begun to even enjoy the competitive battles for survival (an overblown, but poweful mindset) that happen throughout my day. I also relish smoothing things over, making things run better. I laugh more, stress less, and I am in more control.
As far as last night goes, I’m due for more meditation. I have uncertainty, and I need to learn more, at least I tell myself. I am not in a bubble. My actions aren’t always final actions, but may simply be steps to gather control and pespective, remove and shift emotional power to where I need it. Ultimately, I know uncertainty will need to lose its power. This is the biggest dragon in the room, and it is very close.